He knows my name

The song that has brought me through this season lyrics by Israel Houghton 

He knows my name

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life is in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And he hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me his own
He"ll never leave me
No matter where I go

This song reminds me of the plan and love God had for me even before I was thought of He had a knew about me I am amazed by the way He loves me.

 

I have been putting this post off for the longest time. Its so personal but I know I have to share this as someone needs to read this. The past few weeks has just been a confirmation of what was on my heart until this morning in service when the Holy Spirit spoke to me loud and clear through this song, I sang it with tears streaming down my face and that was my ultimate confirmation. I choose to be obedient, and I remain true to this blog by only writing what God lays on my heart.

I grew up without the love of my father. He was never present in my life and this caused much confusion and insecurity in my life. The stories my mom told me about my father was that they had a great love, he was the love of her life at the time. He use to sing to her and played the guitar. I guess my love for singing has something to do with him? They never married as he was a bit of a "ladies man".

 

I remember growing up and needing answers to why he did not want to get to know me, or rather he never pursued me. This left me broken and deeply hurt knowing that I could never call him daddy. I never felt the love, the embrace the encouragement, the validation, the affirmation from my father. I knew who he was but did not know him at all. I remember when I was old enough to decide what I wanted to do with all the information I had about him. I wanted to free myself from the emotional pain and the longing for this void to be filled. I determined in my heart with the love and encouragement of my mom that I wanted to see my dad face to face. It was like yesterday that I took two taxi's to meet with him, he did not know that I was coming. I made up my mind and heart that I wanted to release him and forgive him for failing me as a father.

 

I got off at the stop on the road where he lived and walked towards his house. As a 16 year old girl I was determined that today is my day. As I turned the corner I saw him and I knew who he was. He did not recognise me at first. I greeted him politely and  introduced myself as his daughter, he said I though you were my daughters friend. That just hurt so much at the time. I told him

" I am here to see you" I did all the talking and told him this" I forgive you for not being part of my life, I forgive you for walking away, I said to him you wont understand what I am doing today, I am doing this for me this is not about you. I had to explain myself to him, I told him that I am a child of God and I refuse to live my life like this anymore, I needed to be free. Free from the pain of rejection.

 

He stood there in awe, he broke down like a baby and cried we embraced and I finally released my father.He asked me to forgive him and I did in a heartbeat.

I walked away from his house feeling as light as air, the load has finally been lifted. My heart was free from anger and resentment and the spirit of rejection was broken over my life in that moment.

 

I thank God that He was always by my side as a young girl at the age of 16 I chose His way. I had the support of my mom and sisters and had good people that walked the road to acceptance and restoration. The thoughts I had towards my father were good ones I did not long for him anymore. I kept many journals throughout my youth days as this was my way of expressing my thoughts to the Lord as He alone knew how I felt. I surrendered my life, my heart, my all to Jesus the lover and healer of my soul.

 

This act is my story, my pain and freedom all one. I am not ashamed of what I have been through, It has shaped me and made me draw closer to God. God has been a good Father to me, he physically placed people in my life that could show me what it means to be loved, how it feels to be accepted.

 

If you can relate to my story in anyway and you know that you have to release and forgive someone, do it. I hope I have inspired you. Your healing awaits you dont delay it another day. This is your time too, its never to late.

 

Today I am married to a wonderful man that loves me, we have two daughters and they never ever will know rejection. I marvel as I look at my daughters and their relationship with their father. They trust that he will catch them when they fall, they know that his arms are always open when they need an embrace.

My heart is full as end this chapter off.

 

I have a Heavenly Father who knows my name before even time began, my life is in His hands.

 

 

I love you Lord, thank you for keeping me and loving me only the way that you can.

 

Your daughter

Verna